Death

Not a happy topic, but it has been on my mind lately. The date of my dads death just past, I can't call it the anniversary because I think of those has happy times. So that always leaves me feeling a little raw, even after all these years. I am now older than he was when he died and he has been gone longer that I knew him, so that is weird. I am always told I look like him, but now that I am older than he was I find myself puzzled when I look in the mirror, I see my mom now, where did that come from? I wish he had been around to see so much but especially to have been here for Anna. What would they have thought of each other?

The other reason death is so on my mind is my grandma. She had a stroke this last week, is no longer eating, and will probably not last much longer. So there is that. She is old, 91. I guess I should feel glad she lived so long and know it is time, but that sucks I think. Who really can wrap their head around death of a loved one. Whether too soon, like my dad, or of old age, like my grandma, it still just reminds me that our life is short. I should be doing more, living bigger I guess.

All those death thoughts have me wondering how to talk with Anna about it all. Death is scary to me so what must a 4 year old think? I don't really want to feed her the line of heaven and all that. I would feel a hypocrite telling her something when I don't buy it. So I guess we will just be honest, simple, and straight forward.

So, this was a depressing post. It could have been worse though, I have been on the edge with tears and deep sadness for several days, I could have dumped that all out here I guess, didn't seem necessary though. I said enough.